A Tribute To One Of Our Own. J Ryan Talks About Losing Nicole

hi I'm Steve wer you have no idea who I am but watch the Mike chis show because no one knows who he is either welcome once again to the Letterman podcast my name is Mike Chisum all right this is going to be a different episode this week um because we're going to pay tribute to somebody who was in the original family of the Letterman podcast um I think everybody here oh maybe everybody doesn't know my connection to Jay Ryan Jay Ryan is uh a character in life he's the host of the cars and comedy uh podcast on The Late Night playset or late night playset if you go to the YouTube channel um late night playset you go to uh Porsche life11 on the Instagram you'll find Jay Ryan um I've we've had him on episodes uh previous one of our first guests in fact he told the microphone Story how he ended up with David Letterman's microphone and still has it to this day where he shoots from the death of David Letterman um you know so that's just to remind you who Jay is but uh Jay and and and his wife Nicole for years um have been shooting a show live at five twice a week um as Ms settled in on her and they would talk about what they were going through and how they would deal with this um life-changing prognosis and um a month ago today we lost Nicole and uh if you go back not even a dozen episodes to our trip for L to La those episodes were really good they really were and and and and and the last episode um showed Jay and Nicole up at gvbc Good Vibes Breakfast Club which is the car meet The Unofficial car meet that happens every Friday up at nukem's Ranch and um it's just it's a beautiful drive outside of Los Angeles you drive 45 it's up a mountain through canyons and just this the most gorgeous treacherous um respect the crest this highway in California is a is a challenging Highway and you meet up at nukem's Ranch every Friday and there's a community that is really really missing Nicole right now it's a lot of people missing Nicole right now and Jay hasn't really talked to anybody and he messaged me earlier today and said hey I want to talk about this I want to talk about it with you first and I said okay absolutely I'm there for you man and uh we do we go for I don't know might be two hours and we're talking about his wife and it's a it's a beautiful conversation there's a little bit of Letterman stuff in it but um I really appreciate Jay's sentiment towards worldwide pants and their reaction to him and it's very sweet of him to say that and is story about Jay Leno Jay Leno reached out um those stories but but I mean don't listen for that Jay's my friend really good friend massive encourager for me and Nicole was just lovely she was amazing she was Excellence incarnate and this is an episode of 11 podcast where we talk about one uh somebody who was part of our community who um impacted a lot of people that's no longer with us and it's a tribute show to her and it's also I don't know a tool of some sort for Jay to talk about some stuff absolute pleasure of my life to be that for him um enjoy well enjoy I don't know if the word enjoy is the right word um I hope this conversation that Jay and I have about him and where he's at about losing just losing his wife Nicole I hope it finds you well wherever you are it's a shame all that good stuff wasted oh a material gone just kidding everybody you've missed nothing you missed nothing I'm sitting in a new spot never sat here before uh boy I got water I got Red Bull I got coffee I've got uh weed because it's legal in California although I don't know how that works I've Got Cream whiskey and milk I think I speak for everybody when I say ew yeah I know 40 Creek the 40 Creek it's delicious Irish whiskey and cream it's good stuff um good can I start yeah hi buddy thanks for doing this you're my first stop hi honored completely know I'm not ready yet yeah how many times you hear that question in the last few weeks Oh we must have talked over each other I didn't hear anything no you said I'm ready and I'm not ready yet yeah how many times have you uh heard that over the last few weeks how many how many times have I heard myself say it no have you heard people ask if you're ready to talk yet or oh uh I'm sorry I I'm probably a little slow on the uptick um no it's okay uh yeah yeah uh you know I'm here to I'm sick I'm sick of talking about it uh individually uh and I appreciate it from everybody it's obviously all coming from a wonderful place but um yeah it's been exactly a month um and uh if anybody doesn't know what we're talking about since Nicole passed away I can't remember how long it's been since we chatted I don't I couldn't remember if it was before you were here but did you come here after and then yeah the week that I was down there we aired our episode which was recorded about a week before oh okay okay okay perfect yeah great yeah and then I've I've talked about the trip down there and seeing you guys and having like her message to rert and Irene and the last time we saw each other in an episode after that actually a pretty good tribute episode for you guys yeah need to do any backstory or anything uh I don't think at this point no like like let's not do that let's not do that to answer your and I'm so sorry this audio and the whole interface is new so I'm trying listen and answer you properly um yeah man uh you know everybody cares everybody loved her and everybody seems to care about me which is just lovely and I appreciate it but um at the same time you know you know on this is we're recording this on a Sunday on Friday at breakfast club you know people are giving me hugs because they just found out the night before and so it's brand new for them and they're at one and I'm not at one a month in I'm I'm not at 10 either I don't know where the hell I am on this scale I might be at one and a half but all I know you have a scale of your own Jay all I know is that thank you all I know is that it's it's really hard to emotionally go back to one every single time and then uh you know late at night you think I've got no one to talk to anymore so I think late at night and um and I got to a place of uh you know I sort of set myself up for this because well I haven't given people a place um to either hear my thoughts about it publicly or um I don't know you know I'm posting constantly on the social media probably more than usual definitely more personal stuff than usual um in a weird way I'm trying to honor her we can get into that because you know um whatever she wanted to keep sharing uh regardless I I haven't um established a place I haven't talked about it there isn't a link to send some oh how do I feel go watch this link uh or whatever um a few days a few days or a week after I messaged you I said are you going to do a show and uh oh yeah that's what I thought that's that's that's kind of I think what people probably thought or expected because so many people up until very recently counted on you on Tuesdays and Thursdays and and and the replay after and and whatnot so so that was my question for you and and and I I know that there's a lot of people who are going to be asking um about future plans for that and we'll get to that when we want to get to it but well if you want to know now I can give you the answer sure okay we're recording this on a Sunday when is this gonna go up uh I'm gonna put up as a special episode early this week maybe even by Tuesday might even be my Monday I'm gonna put it up I'm gonna put it up immediately I thought it was Friday for my birthday I thought it was I thought it was going up on Friday that's true we could put it up for the actual birthday I wanted to give it its own a plum but that actually is you can do whatever you can do whatever I like when I asked you about this I asked Friday because I have my own roll out which is weird you are so I know buddy don't you miss it not really okay um it's going out it's going out within a few days of the recording okay then it'll be a race well I think naturally if that's the case then um I should wait till after I agree yeah no I think that that's a I think that's a better way to go then by that we haven't talked folks and this is how we talk normally when we do talk it's not like it's inauthentic this is how it is because I like to do this on the air because I actually you know as uncomfortable as it gets I find um you know I don't care for it in the moment but I've watched some of this [ __ ] back and uh me uncomfortable is pretty entertaining uh last time I did I think it was your show something like this came up or somebody's show whatever and I was clearly uncomfortable and in the moment I remember hating that moment it wasn't a me and Nicole thing so she was not part of it yeah but she but she was alive for this part uh and I just went into the other room and uh uh um I I told her what I was laughing at I go I I get it I I get it I get what you're all I get why you like that part so much it is funny I have to remove myself from it and then it's funny in the moment I want to strangle myself I can't stand any of it yeah anyway this show is not about me it's not supposed to be I mean I don't think it has any set rules as to what it's supposed to be about right all of that I try to answer your question simply and I guess it's all my fault because I used to do the same thing with her but uh Tuesday I will be back on the air Tuesday at 5 o'clock to do this with okay our audience okay you're welcome to join us I would and I do mean that it's not faes I do mean it I uh to hear that Larry Larry King's on the other line yes L is he oh so I thought of ways that I might start this because I do have a question for you that is I think sort of above all others I I said it to candy and she said that's a really good question o because N I look at you well this is who you are and and and so I was what if I started this episode by telling a heartwarming true story about Nicole and some of the things that I felt about her and and and and um you know true things including up to you know a few weeks ago i' love to hear anything about mcro love to hear I I and I hear that I hear that but what if I start that way and and then I express to you how sad I am and things like that at what point do you start counseling me and has that happened to you a lot this is the question have people been expressing their feelings about Nicole to you where you end up counseling them and how often has it happened since every time yeah every single time yeah and that's no one's that look I've learned so much about Nicole since she died in the last the last month I've learned more about my wife that I've probably learned in the last few years can you share any of the things you've learned no they're personal for other people that they share them with me and no off not for you absolutely that's that's that's beautiful uh I'm sorry I I hope I appreciate you thinking it's beautiful and not me being dickish it's um no no no no no I that's what I was asking the question for that very reason is it stuff that's sharable is it is it not that's actually the question I was asking they probably wouldn't care but it's ours ours that's ours I'm here to do this with you that stuff's mine that's beautiful that's really really beautiful to hear that because it would be a shame if all that it was is you counseling other people about this when you are in your you're at the epicenter and yeah it's this it's this uh sometimes I have Grace and I'm able to hear the beauty and sometimes I uh am exhausted and I don't have Grace and I I'm shut off to the beauty and I'm perhaps not so beautiful my own self um and you know that's happened um I'm uh you know over overall I think um I think I'm handling it pretty well to be honest with you uh but it sucks and [ __ ] is coming out sideways and uh you know I'm learning so much about both her like I just said but also myself through all of it it's not the first time I've had a close person uh you know die it's not the first time I've grieved I started doing this at a very early age um I'm not new to it but um it does seem to be that meant a lot to everybody and then therefore they want to put their own spin on it um you know if it's a story about Nicole I tend to enjoy it when someone tries to relate and this is a very human natural thing that we all do but when someone tries to relate their loss to mine yeah I don't know what to say or do to that because 99.9% of the time it's not the same um interesting I talked to a couple parents who've lost kids I would say that's absolutely the same maybe worse I don't know I've definitely talked to some friends some friends of ours car friends very well-known people Magnus Walker um gonna go down and have a chat with him on Tuesday at his garage but people uh who have lost a spouse do know um otherwise I don't really know it's weird um you know people will try to relate oh my father died um you know and he was sick for a while and it's like oh really did you ever hold his poop in your hand like some people maybe did if they were you know caregivers but sure yeah there's a it's a different thing uh and it's a different thing being together with any human being for no matter the relationship in my opinion for 24 hours a day seven days a week for a decade which basically for the last year we have uh excuse me for the last decade we were together um like 24 hours a day you know we weren't working we were living in a work live Works Space way before covid when everybody else had to do it y um you know it's just weird it's weird it's it's not the same um and it's not one of those mine's worse than yours it's just it's not very appropriate but I've made this analogy before I feel like I feel like every Vietnam vet growing up when I was a kid it was like you weren't there man oh man you know and if you weren't you don't get it if you haven't been in the [ __ ] hearing about the [ __ ] is not the same and your [ __ ] is not the same as my [ __ ] yeah um so I don't know it's one of those things that people are doing it probably to try to relate and help me personally it doesn't often land sometimes it does maybe sometimes it does I don't know there's no there are no rules to this that's one thing I've learned too is there are no freaking rules to this and I keep beating myself up and then by the end of the day I'm exhausted in bed can't sleep thinking again and I have to talk myself off the ledge of it's I'm hugging myself from Google hunting it's not your fault it's not your it's not your fault are you letting it flow yeah that's all I do well now yes now that I had some house guest uh some very well-intended awesome childhood friend house guests like people who came out to support me from the east coast and uh that ate up some time and they were both distractions um but I didn't get a whole lot of flow as us um this past week was my first week of blow as you say of just letting it happen however and letting uh TV viewing find me or songs find me however they're supposed to and not really leaving the house this last week has been that and a lot of flow and a lot of flow yeah um I miss her I miss her so much it's ridiculous I knew I would miss and I've been preing this for years and it's I'm not I was not ready okay oh okay I have to ask um and and by the way I can edit if I need to edit or whatever um you and I share bouncing around surprised sorry about that no you and I shared a moment uh I think it's about a year and a half back where you let me know something that happened with Nicole oh yeah and I don't know that you've necessarily talked about that but no when when when when it happened and I mean you can fill in as many blanks as you want and I'll keep it ambiguous and I'll let you take that but I don't think that's fair to your audience I would just say I probably don't want to mention that but I know what you're talking about okay okay okay so it's not fair to tease them I'm not going to tell them what it was no no no no but no what I'm saying is you just said I wasn't ready the moment that I was talking about there you were wondering if you were ready that's that's the only thing I wanted to say and did it did it help that's that's that's you prepared I mean okay yeah uh well I thought about this obviously because I do know what you're talking about I mean like Nicole I'll say this because it's a it's a fairis thing Nicole had a near death a year about a year before she died um in fact I should look at the dates because it might even be exactly but uh I thought about this obviously and thinking um linearly now it was a it was a crazy windy road at the time but looking back everything's kind of straight it kind of feels like the get ready like you know how sort of when your pet we had a cat that was 24 years old it was a sudden death but looking back there was like oh she there was a couple things that just made me think like oh she doesn't have a this is the ninth life basically yeah oh and way to put it what a way and that is absolutely what it felt like for Nicole it was the okay everybody get ready and do you remember what her message was from that I asked it I actually have all of this on videotape maybe it'll be a documentary someday I don't know but uh I don't have the event happening no I have the exact uh the moment afterwards when she came back and I was a total freaking mess uh and I I shakingly I held the camera up to both uh talk to her and then also express my what I had just seen because like it wasn't on video and it was it it blew my mind what I had just seen yeah um I guess guess we are telling your audience this is not a letterman podcast what's happening no um uh regardless her message was not to be afraid yeah that there was nothing to be afraid of um I don't yeah I don't know I don't know what to say about that other than the whole event did feel like a a a prep of some sort I don't know that it emotionally prepared me yeah um but uh you know this a lot of people are curi well you know what I'll do that on our show unless you ask about it at some point but I'm not I won't throw it out there um I don't know did I answer did I finish your I answer no you did and I'm gonna I'm gonna completely go the other way now what have you been watching and listening to this past week um there boy she didn't say this there is a people ask me a lot about if there's a good vibes playlist uh and if there was one what would be on it and I hesitate to answer every time solely because we didn't create Good Vibes with the intention of it being what it is do you know what I mean that was our secret little Hideaway thing that we did with a couple friends and then it became worldwide cultural phenomenon um on the cover of magazines in books and stuff uh yeah that's a weird one to me um but in the same well I got off track there no you didn't too much coffee not enough coffee what was the question again what have you been watching in listening to oh yeah so the truth is there is a secret Good Vibes playlist but I've never wanted to answer it because like that's what we like I don't want to say it's what you should like it's not the theme of the freaking thing it's just there is one that Nicole and I would listen to every single time that we would start at the bottom we would listen to you know and we it was just kind of a pacing thing I guess like someone when they're working out you know what I mean and they got their things on and in the old days it was a big deal Jay is it the same playlist as uh as as late night playset no it was ever evolving okay okay do you remember the last song you put on to it yeah I've added to it since she's passed yeah so anyway that but I won't tell you what's on it because it just doesn't feel right like again that's sort of hers in mind I'll let you listen to it you can make your own but like it doesn't really matter you know what I mean that's not what it was ever about for us yeah we both love Oro speed wagon well I mean I that's a safe one who doesn't love Ario Speedwagon I mean yeah that was a joke but I feel like I I don't um I I don't mean to be so KJ I do want to answer your questions I'm sorry I just I'm also being like I think I me I'm somewhere between denial and and anger or in Anger maybe and there's a little bit of like I feel like we've been giving a lot to the people for a long time and some of this stuff needs to remain mine and I'm in the moment literally around the house I'm in the moment of what to keep as mine and what to either give away to other people that loved her or to throw away cuz it's garbage or whatever you know what I mean or and even that pile is a donate or whatever is that hard so I would imagine I'm doing that with oh I'm sorry I did it again I step back I'm sorry no no no no I just I'm just fascinated by that if that's hard the same thing I'm doing it it's a figurative thing you do it with everything it's it's the physical stuff but also um oh you're drinking and I don't drink so that's part of it we that's always a different frequency um we feared little milk was whis it seems like something from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia enjoying your milk steak and your cat your cat food I don't mean to make fun of your Canadian customs I think your frequency is in a place I have some weed here I could do that never done that with you here on your letter I bet that's never been done on you and I did it you and I did it once over a call and it was one of the greatest calls I've ever had in my entire life one my favorite top five conversations of all time you and I both I had a gummy and I think you I forget it was a show night and it was a particularly stressful Thursday night show night and uh you partook and I had one of the greatest conversations in my entire life that oh my gosh well you're welcome I know man I I am I'm eternally grateful for all so many things from you guys uh what are you watching oh yeah that's right um it's funny though because I have literally only been listening to that playlist that's kind of you know for obvious reasons um I just today found for the first time the Ricky J show afterlife and um I made it through the first season um the subject matter was so insanely appropriate for me right now that uh I sort of made the decision to cancel my day and just stay on the sofa uh which is what I did I finished the whole first season I got into I started season two and then it seemed like he was in a different place emotionally at that point so I sort of decided to stop and then when we're done with this I'll probably actually start season one over again to take it in a little better because it was a an unexpected Delight I um I had heard about it before it was even in you know the Netflix queue or whatever but uh just hadn't gotten to it uh I feel like honestly I feel like and and actually the que showed this that like either I alone or Nicole and I started it and we're like ah not right now maybe Sunday mhm yeah well it was Sunday today was the right day have you uh have you been talking to her family quite a bit a bit uh yeah a bit um you know they came out they were here her parents and me and a hospice nurse and um their brother was on were on the phone uh when she died when she went it's a weird thing by the way to to watch someone die never done that before um it's not what you think it'll be at all but at least it wasn't for me but um yeah you know they were out here for those last few days um they're the closest thing I have to her now we've talked on the phone a few times we're going to FaceTime tomorrow uh Labor Day the family's all there yeah uh yeah um I feel like everything I thought I would again I'm not new to the greeting process I'm not new to any of this stuff and anything my experience had led me to think oh I'll probably handle X this way or Y that way uh I've actually surprised myself a number of times um and one of them is like I thought talking to her family would be hard and not something I would enjoy I honestly sort of dreaded like that that maybe they would want more of me than I was willing to uh to share yeah afterwards and um and that has not been the case they've been incredibly respectful and if anything I get an energy boost from talking to them because you know it's the closest thing I have to talking to her um yeah it's weird but I have and it's been nice and I appreciate them I appreciate them um I'll talk about some things that I think will be fine because they're they're based on your social media um posts that you have put out that have been very ridiculously surprisingly insightful because you'd think you'd be like I'm talking like wisdom um and it's kind of unfolding in front of us like you know a couple days after the the chairs are arriving up at nukem's and then a couple days that was that was a weird miracle I don't know how that happened I don't know how that happened can I tell you I mean dedicated to Nicole yeah anyway yeah yeah yeah no no that's fine that's fine but what I'm talking about is Friday morning I get a message from the shipping company that these stools yes we you're right we did a we did a stool thing for Nicole whatever everybody sponsored a stool it wasn't for Nicole it was for nuk's ranch everybody sponsored a stool whatever but on Friday morning they I get a message from the the the manufacturer that they're being picked up from the shipper today and they're going to leave and they're going to head out to California on a tractor trailer in from Jersey okay the East Coast so I think to myself great well I've got three four five six seven days I don't know I've got a bit I got the parents finally left like everybody finally left and I was alone for like one night I thought I'm going to sleep in on Monday morning I get woken up with this tractor trailers at the bottom of the hill where you lose cell reception and they're like are you is somebody there are you gonna be there I was like I'm I yeah I'll be there sure and I and I had to run up there how does a tractor trailer get from Jersey to California The Cannonball Run didn't do it that fast I kind of don't understand it I kind of don't understand anyway I know that's not what you wanted to talk about but man talk about it keep going and you had a special friend come up and help you offload it no not that I can recall oh okay I thought I thought Ariel maybe had gone up there with you to oh yeah okay sure yeah people did my special friend she rers get started buddy oh well I didn't like that of course anyway a couple days after that so it seemed like it was like a good distraction and whatever and I mean like people perceiving it and then a couple days later the floor drops out of hang on I'm objection leading the witness sustained go ahead couple days later I love you buddy I have missed you I've missed you a lot me too man me too um couple days later the floor drops out for candy and I when we look at your post and it was just oh no you got it out of order the heart rren the heartwrenching one okay so I saw that the chairs first and then I saw the I'm not okay post after that yeah no the stools AR after she died unfortunately Nicole never saw this D oh no no no no I I know that you sorry I'm sorry what I'm referring to is a post you put up where you said I'm not okay I miss you so much oh and that post yeah there's a lot of people that saw that post I got phone calls from people who saw that post um and I mean so many of us just absolutely our hearts [ __ ] breaking for you man well thanks buddy um yeah I mean this thing is waves you know one minute you're okay and one minute you're not okay and um and it's pretty severe it's like it's it's one of those crazy thrill thrill seeker roller coasters it's not it's not a kitty ride roller coaster no yeah no I don't know uh you know she she really did want to it was a conscious choice for Nicole to sh her journey you know uh I know you remember this but your audience may or may not you know we did this show every Tuesday and Thursday and um around Thanksgiving of 23 at the last Thanksgiving we said uh we'll see you next week have some news for you about a few things want to see you next week and we never came back um and you know that was due to Nicole's health and deteriorating and abilities deteriorating and uh we never got a chance to um tell you what was going on uh or what happened or um uh and and and we lost our Forum to like share um and then we realized like well we didn't lose anything we have more followers on Instagram than we do on YouTube like why don't we just start you know sharing more real life stuff there than uh you know than just car stuff or or whatever that people uh that whatever was up there before and uh and so that was the idea that she it was her feeling and I understand this fully like really really do when I'm trying to honor it it was her feeling that if sharing her misery could help one person MH then somehow her struggle was not in vain and that is a weird thing you hear people say and I've heard people say it before it never resonated with me until being in our situation where she was suffering so much and it was like holy crap there's nothing left to do where that's the only thing that makes sense and it's the only thing you can do sort of mentally to keep yourself from going nuts there has to be some benefit for what I'm going through other wise uh you'll die with the why me why me you know um you have to make it a reason you have to make a reason and make it a good one and she did um anyway I'm I'm you know it was hard to share that the last bit but we started sharing her real life on Instagram and uh yeah we called it her vertical life because we switched from the show format to you know Instagram stories format and um it's ironic because she was on the floor not vertical at all um but it was really hard to share that stuff and then at the end she couldn't uh talk or respond and it really seemed appropriate to stop at that point um and then like you know your own brain kicks in for what oh well what would she want like no doofus she want you to keep work through it hello the point was to do this she she doesn't give a [ __ ] now um the vanity you know that's been long gone anyway so um so keep doing it bite the bullet suck it up what I did what she would told me to do in my head which was suck it up and just [ __ ] B bite the bullet do it so I did and um and it's it's been it's been tough but I I tried to maintain you talk about what I've been posting lately I've been trying to uh maintain maybe it's to honor her and I wasn't even thinking about it but I've been trying to maintain that level of honesty and sharing even though she's gone um because even though she's gone to me the story is not over yeah to me she's not gone to me she's very much here right now uh as I talked to you um talked to her before the show to wish me luck like I would have if she was here um yeah in that regard I'm not okay because I miss her so much um I don't know I don't know if I answered your question yeah you got your tears are you happy Roy Firestone the beginning of this thing or very near the very beginning of this thing but I believe this thing that you started here the whole reason that you started it was to document the journey and I think she'd be pissed as hell of you if you you stopped documenting the journey now at least for a little while to bring closure and I mean at the beginning of it did you see this yeah but it didn't look like this of course I saw it I mean I built a whole world where unfortunately my life's Dying by the way I didn't build it like it came for me and then you know that's I went it evolved organically it was a 100% organic growth thing yeah so and I'm a creative guy and I know how you know if I can see a through line for how things are going of course of course uh and she was the same way and she was really good at it so yeah we both did we both did uh it didn't look like this of course it didn't look like this you think you're going to get a goodbye it's funny it's a long ass disease and then we didn't get a goodbye Jesus that is so it's weird what are you g to do the I'll tell you this because I'll share it at some point um I have the last because we were sharing um and oh and by the way this is where things get nuts the last video before she died that I shared with her on the floor about to get a sponge bath yep has over eight and a half million views yeah I don't know how that happened I didn't push any kind of boost button I didn't sponsor it I didn't you know money buy I didn't buy the the [ __ ] views I think just people loved her that much that they were sharing the [ __ ] out of it as I said you know please pray for Nicole this week or whatever and uh and it just the algorithm picked it up or whatever but to me that just is nuts um but what I was going to say is the uh the last video that I actually have of her was from uh a few days before she died but the last time she was there able to speak at all and the last time she was coherent at all um and it's just her in me and um it's very difficult to watch because she is telling me how she just wants to be gone she wants to be dead she doesn't want to be around anymore and she volunteered that it would be better for me and then I press her further and it gets down to she wanted want to be gone so I would have chance uh another chance another shot I would have she wanted to be out of the picture so that I could fall in love with somebody or at least have a another happy life where I didn't have to take care of my dying wife and it was like may not have had a goodbye but I definitely have her last selfless act um which was her being ready to go for herself one might say also wanted to be out of the way for me which was like yeah you think that's what I want it's not what I want but I I I take the I take your point um one might say this is a goodbye that sounds like a goodbye to me yeah I guess maybe she said hers are there any other things that you want to say to the group for lack of a better term are there anything things that that that you want to express that like you did you did such a good job earlier of expressing the state of mind and and and things and and people's intentions versus how it comes across that sort of thing is there are there any more of those things like that that you have learned throughout this that uh would be people to know I don't know I don't know you know uh no um I I I everybody does this differently I I I learned that um I probably knew it already but it was a great refresher course because um you know and no I don't know it's a messy Road it's a rough road there there's no I couldn't possibly give someone advice for how to go through it better I think it's I think it's messy and bumpy and I think it's supposed to be I don't think uh I will say this you know they everybody talks about these the grief stages and the book and the whatever you read the thing and it's all the thing and I think there's a lot of Truth to that but like anything else don't live by it it's it is those things but it's everything in between it's not there's no order to it they happen all out of order sometimes all at once um I have definitely been in denial angry and bargaining and whatever the other one is while being convinced I was in acceptance and I'm only in the first month I called this last week The Twilight Zone because everything about it had a weird just a weird like everything was a little blurry like oh if we're in The Matrix the world was being Rewritten around me and everything was just a little bit foggy like in tunnel vision things were clear wherever I looked was good but everything else was like a video game like and no I don't mean because of this no no no no I will say that though back to the things that I thought I would treat differently you know weed was never part I'm making a lot of jokes because there really is some over there but sure I'm making a lot of jokes about it um weed was never part of our life we never grew up smoking weed all my friends did all her friends did but it just wasn't a thing uh until she got sick you know x amount of years ago um we we picked up less than 10 years ago I don't know seven or eight something like that yeah and um so I thought that um I would not do it anymore like after she died I was kind of like I don't know it just it didn't I didn't need it myself you know what I mean it was like I would light it for her and at the end she couldn't even hold it yeah so I was I was literally you know what I mean we're sharing a joint at this point all the time now um I know you didn't have to smoke it you kind of do have to you kind of do and it ends up becoming a if you can't beat him join him situation uh also brain waves wise like so we can actually communicate because when one person is and one person isn't it's likeo makes the communication even more difficult um but so I thought when she was gone that I would not be uh and it has definitely been the opposite she had a huge stash in fact she had stashes everywhere all over the house and uh places I didn't even know she could get to you know uh find a little bit and um and then I Consolidated all into one place and then I was like well what the hell do you do with this i' been giving some away but then I I've just been smoking it and what I thought would remind me of her um and I thought that would be a bad thing right now uh by the way I was right it to totally does remind me of her it puts me in a place where I feel like I'm can talk to her and stuff um and right now I do want that I don't think it'll be forever um but it is interesting to me to me that a few of the my coping mechanisms I thought have been the opposite that's not really advice but it's just it does show you how you don't know you don't know I've been through stuff I you know I I've lost a lot of different that's not kind of you know Enjoy Every Sandwich stuff I know it's not that brilliant and insightful I still say live it while you got it that more than ever because we knew this was coming and I it still took us by surprise yeah can you talk about the first Good Vibes after yeah Jesus Christ yeah it was the next day excuse my language I know it was the next day I wasn't sure I was gonna go and the parents wanted to go and then I thought about it I was like parents wanted to go okay there was a yeah y they did because they were still here and uh they didn't get it they didn't understand they'd been once before you know and they'd seen it but it's not it's not the same as knowing knowing really what it is and having been there all the time and seeing that it's not just those people one week it's that all the time so I knew what the day after would be like and if you have no idea what I'm talking about um imagine in your head picture the end of the movie Pay It Forward um with haly Joe Osman and and some other people uh it's a beautiful movie um about a kid who accidentally starts this beautiful message that becomes a movement and um through the course of the story the kid ends up dying and at the end they don't really know how much the movement has affected people and at the end it's sort of this long slow pull out of The Grieving mom looking out the window and seeing not only everybody from town uh grieving about this kid but the entire Farmland is full of people with candles and the road as far as you can see with headlights of more cars coming kind of like a Field of Dreams um I knew that that's what was going to happen the next day um before that jumping back to the night before because she technically died a Wednesday night into Thursday morning um sitting on the edge of the bed friend had come over because I had already sent out to a couple friends that she' just gone she just passed away uh friend sitting on the edge of the bed with me and I've got the text written the uh the post written about to go out on Instagram and Facebook and whatever that she's no longer with it and I'm sitting there I've written it and I've got it and I you know in my mind I knew it was going to be something simple and um and that I was going to throw together at the last minute but I knew what the picture I wanted to use was yeah so I did it really quick and I knew the song I wanted to use and I did it both of those really quick and then I was just sitting there and the dad walked into the room and he's he's like what you know what is it I you don't get it like I'm about to push the button here like we know but I'm about to about to break everybody's heart they're pulling for her they don't know how bad it's been they don't know how close we are this week and uh I said it's just going to be so real and as I got this level of emotion and um you know look down from his eyes to my to my wife's dead body in front of me and I said of course my wife's dead body lies before me so I guess it's pretty [ __ ] real and I just I just pushed the button um he didn't really they didn't really understand the level of international um reach that Nicole had uh they knew her for being famous in Black behind somebody famous yeah uh oh you know so and so oh my daughter works with her it's not oh do you know so and so that's my daughter and this was that for the first time for them oh wow um so I told him you know about pay it forward and we watched the last five minutes of the movie just for that scene of course it's that beautiful calling all Angels thing so that's why I used it in the post um I don't know overwhelming doesn't really cut it it was like it was the it was the the parade in the funeral without it being a parade in funeral she wasn't there yeah I was alone in the car had her seat Bel fastet no reason um driving through the gauntlet of people and cameras I mean I don't know how many hundreds of people were there but uh many hundreds of cars so maybe thousands of people I have no idea there were so many people there yeah uh it was every bit of vision from the movie that you would expect flowers everywhere gifts everywhere people sobbing it was brand new to them they found out yesterday that she died they couldn't believe it they didn't expect us to be here today we only posted last night um it all happened so quickly I think that um I think the community needed it um I'm really glad we went um but it really was like the end of pay it forward if if you haven't seen videos of of of what it looks like that day for Nicole um I don't know where you could even find them maybe there's some on Instagram I don't know uh I was experiencing it all I took no pictures um it was wild and then at 10:00 a.m.

uh there's no significance to the time it was just at a certain time they uh all honked their horns I didn't know it was going to happen they all honked their horns for Nicole so like at a certain time you thought one guy was being an [ __ ] for a second and it turned out that everybody turned into into an angel it was very very cool um very loud very obnoxious very strange the opposite of what you would expect or want up there in that peaceful Forest um you know it only lasted 20 30 seconds but it was a neat thing it felt like the 21 gun salute you know for a military funeral it was a neat sendoff from a bunch of car people who loved her I was going to say with a little bit of the sex pistol singing Sinatra okay yeah I don't get that one all right it's all right no I'm sorry is it I don't get a lot of references that I don't make which is odd no just because metal objects full of combustion out in the beauty the Majesty that is nuk are you making a dichotomy joke I see it's the dichotomy that's not even a joke it's just more of a comparison just oh I then I see I understand yeah iing into the air of that beautiful natural place you know I didn't get that the first time but I I it's exactly you nailed it it's exactly what it was and and I didn't expect it so it was a surprise it was just you know it was really very overwhelming and again I apologize I'm really slow on the uptick today no lately lately there's no and I mentioned the weed right sure sure there's no apologies here Jay not currently but it's a weird way to ask this question I uh uh um I want to Tribute Nicole tonight we have been to the to the love and to all of that stuff but I want to Tribute her as well have you like a like a person who's forgive the rudess of the question it's not it's not meant to be this way but like it's Nicole's business like are you coming up with stories that you're retelling over and over and over again um the way that you know somebody would in a press chunk it something like that like are you are there any stories like I want to Tribute her but I want to I want to I want to how do we tribute her I guess is the question and and stories are what I was thinking of but I don't want to make you keep telling the same thing that you've been telling over and over and over again if that makes any sense I appreciate it seems like you don't want to wear me out I appreciate that but I'm here for you anything you want to know I'll tell you I don't I don't know I mean I don't you know I didn't come here with an agenda or an anecdote no but I I can probably figure out one in either direction for you pretty quick okay here here you go tell me um a story about your wife because your wife is extremely impressive for a lot of very obvious reasons not just the resume but just like having a conversation with her in May asking her advice and her advice being nothing short of expert level she's a very impressive impressive woman yeah I agree what what is something about your wife that impressed you that maybe we don't no I mean everything about her I find impressive now I really did then too I just you notice different details now um her mind was incredible I mean don't get me wrong it wasn't perfect nobody's is but like it was really really incredible and uh um and that's what I fell in love with it's it's funny I I have said this a lot lately you know she was beautiful and hot and sexy and all of the things that a that a guy's going to look for and that a hetero dude is going to look for in his in his uh in his in his lady uh lifemate here that didn't matter to me none of it none of it mattered to me I loved her brain so much um all of it the fact that it was so awesome but also the fact that it challenged me nonstop MH nonstop I mean aggressively angrily sometimes you know but it just uh there's a reason she was a force in the business there's a reason she got [ __ ] done um she was electric uh I don't think there's any one thing that I could tell you I think everything about her was impressive I really do I think she was so impressive that it's one of those stories where the candle can't burn that right for that long um I think that Nicole shouldn't have been been the person behind the person like I think she could have been a superstar her own self that's um one of her friends and colleagues you know a lot of people have sent tributes uh or just messages to her to Nicole for me to play like up to her ear or whatever on during her final week and one of her old colleagues sent beautiful long just monologue of her talking to her friend but one of the things she said that that that that I took um she always told people that if she the client this friend and client always told people that if she were famous she would never hire Nicole ever because Nicole's smile was so much better than hers and anyone else's MH and when she shot the room would light up so much more than any celebrity can you know turn it on yeah uh that there just wouldn't be a point to it so she would never hire her and I thought it was cute and adorable and sweet and [ __ ] accurate [ __ ] nailed it so good that's beautiful yeah she was a Powerhouse she was awesome she really was she uh she was awesome she was tough very hard uh on herself and others but you know like professional athletes that she also worked with like it's another level and um I'm one of those people who like I'm not saying Ellen shouldn't have been a nicer person I don't know what was going on over there but I also am the type of person who says at that level you don't have room for [ __ ] and um you know a lot of people who want to complain haven't reached that level for a reason you know um so again I'm not trying to make comparisons but like Nicole was known for not always being a nice person she always was known for being good sure uh but sometimes feelings could get hurt and um and you know I I think that sucks but I also saw her work and I I I saw when it happened it wasn't something she wanted to happen it was a byproduct of getting [ __ ] done she was really awesome and God damn it I'm all these old pictures she is so beautiful like it's not news but I'm rediscovering it all I this is weird Insight uh I thought like it's not that I thought Nicole's been sick for so long and it's been a certain trajectory for so long that the last year or two years the last few years I've really only been able to think about the sick Nicole that can't communicate well and can't uh has no abilities anymore and you know the ab the Nicole that I'm currently taken care of and helping yes and I just even in my head I I never thought I never even it's weird you live in such a small microcosm when you're in that caregiving world and you're in survival mode both of you that that you just you don't remember and anyway that I was bothered me a little bit I realized it and it bothered me and the moment she she died like I don't remember if I saw an old picture or we watched an old podcast as a group or something but it was Nicole when she was young and able-bodied and that's the only one I have been able to see since like it's funny because I'll look at these pictures of her the the the post the eight million eight and a half million views on the her laying on the ground waiting for a spongebath look at that and I go holy crap like I forgot this of course she was about to die she looks terrible holy moly um it's weird it's weird but your brain goes there and it wasn't there then yeah uh but this the switch flipped and I feel like maybe she did that for me and maybe life just that's how it works I don't know um she's definitely been giving me gifts she is definitely not gone as an energy she is loving people and giving messages to people she is messing with people um it all seems to be appropriate uh you know reactionary um yeah I don't know I I go back and forth it's this weird pendulum from it's awesome I love her let's celebrate even though she isn't here too oh I miss her I wish she was here where it's like you you're ugly crying really ug totally ugly crying full-blown I don't know if I answered your question it's funny you you stop talking and I'll start talking but I don't know if I ever answer the question you did you did um her Excellence was her impressiveness she just was excellent in every in every category was excellent it wasn't arms she didn't have a great high jump no no no she was excellent and everything she did she strove for it and she expected it and and I dug that because I'm a guy I found out just yesterday that there's a name for this and unfortunately I don't remember what it is polymath whatever it is it's someone who has an affinity for things of quality they don't have to just be like I'm not a car guy I like things of quality so I like certain cars or whatever the heck um I she was definitely that she was definitely someone who wanted to just be around things of quality didn't even mean physical things like she wasn't somebody who like had to have expensive things around the house it wasn't that it was you you you nailed it she was excellence and she wanted to be around Excellence I mean her clients were Excellence dude she worked with some amazingly talented people I get you know the funny thing I I thought about this the other day too I can tell anybody anything can't I because I don't I'm never I've never been ND I mean I'm probably I just I might have just become dangerous I just realized that that that is true I might have just put a mark on my head that absolutely is true uh I yeah I mean you know she's worked with some incredibly incredibly high level talent and and at that level it's all Excellence you don't get a seat at the table unless you have achieved excellence you don't fly private with Jerry Seinfeld internationally around the world on a [ __ ] tour you're not inside that plane unless you're excellent exactly you're on the other plane with the photographers and whatever else you know and the other uh uh uh represent representation not for nothing but that might be the fun plane I'll tell you what's funny about that particular story too on the way back Jessica Seinfeld wanted to set Nicole up this is before I was in the picture wanted to set her up with um uh Jake joen Hall wow yeah which is a shame because like that would have been awesome because I I love J chillal we just uh I I don't know if I've always been a fan or not but I just watched something in him recently and I I I reinvigorated my uh fandom of him at the very least yeah he's great but that would have been a funny world where Jessica Seinfeld sets Nicole up with Jake Gyllenhaal and then there and then that's her life that's a whole another life I don't know I kind of look at it this way it's kind of cool knowing that you're a guy and kind of cool you're knowing a friend of a guy who has uh one up Jake Gyllenhaal oh yeah that's right yeah that's right you that's right right yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna make I always knew I was lucky my friend W up Jake Gyllenhaal there we go I always that's one thing you know I always knew I was lucky with with Nicole yeah I always did she was so far above you know above my league above my weight however that goes yeah out of my league She Was Out of My League yeah I still feel that way I I I don't want to talk to anybody anymore it's hilarious because this is sad and I don't mean it personally to anyone again I'm in that anger phase um nobody is as good as Nicole I sound like the movie She open Sarah Marshall you're not as good as Liz Liz is not as good as Sarah nobody no it was her brain man that's what I fell in love with um nobody has that uh and I don't mean like oh I'm GNA it's going to be hard to fall in love with it again I just mean like even though I love all of my friends and everything like nobody is Nicole also she knew me better than anybody else in the world we had full transparency zero secrets you ever have that with another human uh no I don't I don't think I even ever knew it was possible right I mean I thought I had it I thought I had it but I hadn't at that point in my life worked through the dark demons from childhood or whatever that you work through as an adult um and Nicole KN knew knew that you know she she saw all of it she got you we went through yeah we went through our uh we unpacked our [ __ ] together um you know as our life imploded we had to um it's when we sort of you know that's in my op it's sort of when you become an adult in life um for most people probably when they become a parent they probably have to do it but like for us it was when she got sick um I I probably thought I had no secrets with people but I didn't realize I had Secrets Within Myself if that makes sense and then U you know you I probably still do who the [ __ ] knows but but definitely Nicole knows me more than anybody and and probably in many ways better than me because you know as an observer they can see you so much more than you you can see your yourself especially that one much not much not much gets by that one you're so right yeah you're so right yeah and that's the other thing I mean she was so just so good so good her advice you know I I feel like her advice will help me for the rest of my life it will I hope she never stops giving it to me I hope I continue to get little messages and downloads and stuff but um and and by the way if if life lately is any um road map or blueprint um it seems like she's already doing old Nicole stuff I just mean opportunities in life the way things come together uh you know you know you know sure she's running the joint yeah and I feel like um this was another weird thing I didn't expect and was really really awesome like a true true true gift the moment uh she she went but like whatever when she was dead some people really want to tiptoe around it but after she died um I felt like I could communicate with her again I haven't been able to communicate with my wife easily in years and she not me imagine my frustration imagine her freaking frustration yeah not being able to get through to me because she can't I mean come on and I'm telling her babe I don't understand like slow down like she's already lost the thought I mean it was so unfair to her um and then it depends on what you believe in but afterwards it just felt con connected it felt like she was um very able bodied because she seems to be everywhere all at once she's helping a lot of people and reaching out at the same time um and very able you know to communicate which were the two things that she missed the most you know so when you see her you see the visions of her in her prime and when you communicate with her it's the same yeah oh yeah 100% yeah which makes perfect sense right like who if you could be if you could be anything you're going to go be your best self if you're going to be an entity at all right mhm uh which kind of makes sense to me U and then I don't know how long that sticks around you know we both love the movie Soul so much I feel like this time right now is a gift it probably won't last forever yeah I'm enjoying it you know we're still holding hands in my mind but like at one point she drifts off and uh and you know whatever I'm on my own um not looking forward to that but I do expect it happen it's weird it's weird to speak so openly about like this stuff I appreciate that you do sure you're welcome I can't IM I mean you want to do a top 10 list or anything is there any viewer male should we go check the weather heavy [ __ ] [ __ ] what's the weather look like it's raining feces that's what the weather is right now it's awful can you see the flowers in there yeah all right so somebody uh uh uh sent those flowers in uh like you know a day after she died or something like that and I put the thing over there because we had people over and it just looked like a nice little and they've dried in that position exactly where they are I I don't I wanted to do something with them where they were before I removed them they can't stay there forever but isn't that a neat thing don't they look nice gorgeous absolutely absolutely they're a month old they're they're completely crispy yeah what was the name on her driver's license what do you mean what the what was her legal or her full name on her driver's license I don't know I'd have to go look at it all right I can tell you what her name was if you want to know yeah I'm just curious what her what her what her I'm curious what her legal name is Nicole Shabbat Ryan that's that's post uh marriage there's no middle names not in no not post marriage pre uh marriage it was Nicole Lynn Shabbat and I didn't ask her to change her name in fact I was incredibly surprised that she did or even wanted to she totally surprised me like she even did it on her I was like I really I didn't professionally she was known as Shabbat everyone would scream it from across crowds of thousands of people Shabbat like everybody I mean everybody clients colleagues everybody knew her as Shabbat so I I want to hear Chris Rock saying that in his voice I want to hear him say that you probably many imagine it he didn't say hey Nicole kamir a minute he said Shabbat uh and everybody did so uh I just never ever expected it never expected and by the way we got married they still called her Shabbat yep cuz it CU why would I mean what the heck why would course not yeah exactly that's a weird one yeah that's a weird question I thought except except it led to everybody calling her Shabbat so oh I see yeah look at that like I mean that's beautiful it's a beautiful thread you've created it's like dominoes look at them fall beautiful get Ricky Jay in here to throw some cards um I I sat here for you because you said you always wanted to do a thing where I was sitting in front of the thing absolutely had to hang a new light for this um any update on uh I mean nuk's on hold right now for the for oh wow a few weeks are you are you great question are you able to so here's the ram yeah uh here's the plan if you want to know what my plan is here's the plan it's going to change because it's very loose here's the plan um I need time for me I need me time it's one of the reasons we're doing these podcasts so like people can just watch the podcast um I need time to zone out and watch television I need time to go take a walk in the woods literally or figuratively I don't know um the plan was to take another road trip hit the road in yellow car um the Cole and the universe the plan was to maybe even leave last weekend um without even telling anybody just checking on social media from hey everybody we're in Flagstaff Arizona today you know or something I don't know whatever um and then yellow car just like last year when we wanted to go on our USA Grand Tour something took yellow car out of commission and if you remember last last time it ended up not being something super yeah uh serious or expensive but it was something we needed to take care of that both stressed us out delayed the trip and uh and whatever yeah so the exact same thing is happening again and I I just I'm not upset about it but yellow card developed a problem it wasn't uh able to be rectified easily needs to go into tldg that can't happen till Thursday of this week so um it does seem to be that um Nicole and the universe are both saying uh no you need to stewing in it for a little bit you need to sit right where you are Mister even though you're trying to escape it um so I'm gonna do that I'm gonna do that um the show on Tuesday live at five answering your questions and whenever yellow car is complete I will probably hit the road I don't know if it'll be a full month um I'm thinking it probably will be because I'll probably do the same thing that I did last time with Nicole um not intentionally retrace our steps or anything but hit the road do that big Loof around the country seeing a lot of the same people probably and and definitely seeing some that we missed weren't able to see last time yeah and um and uh and there's a Cannonball Run reunion Dar in Daran in Connecticut which I will am desperate to make which I will be uh at making an appearance at uh it's on October 13th in Darian Connecticut at goodwives shopping center this is very unique and interesting for me personally because in 1979 when I was two years old when the Cannonball Run was being shaken down by the cops out of New York City they had to leave out of Connecticut this year and they were hiding all of the cars behind this shop Center uh while they parted the night away and got ready to do the Cannonball Run the next day that's a neat story especially if you're a car person or a Cannonball Run person except for me it's very personal because I was there my dad worked right next St to the goodwife shopping center he whatever I'll tell the story on our show but the story the story that we were always told was that he stopped into the Grand Union for a pack of smokes saw all the cars came home got me brought me back and carried me around while it was the night before at at The Cannonball Run event so I'm really really really excited to uh and I've told people that story for years and years and years because the Cannonball Run was a movie and it was neat that it was in our town and you know blah blah blah um so I'm I'm really really excited about that and it'll be car stuff that's like there's you know it won't be sad uh oh my wife you know that'll be like a fun happy thing that what's the date on that again Jay October 13 in Daran Connecticut okay so you got time to plan to get out there and time for the universe to uh you know fix yellow car and do all the things that need to get done oh no that's happening I'm telling you the things that are happening yeah no no no are you gonna see any people that you missed last time in New York and Manhattan sure right on who are we talking I mean I would I would hope yeah you know what as a matter of fact I wish should say this um huge thank you to people from the Letterman uh the worldwide pants organiz people very high up in the worldwide pants organization also have reached out uh extending you know beautiful messages of care and condolences um and I'm so grateful um I meant to say that sooner I I came in saying I'm tired of talking about it but the truth is I'm so stinking grateful that outpouring uh of messages from every everybody's been amazing but to get some from you know from pans headquarters is also beautiful and really appreciated especially for the kid who's still a nerd about that stuff you know yeah who's and I'm regressing I I figure I don't know I thought I might regress but I I feel like I'm not I thought I would totally because this all it feels like a parallel to where my dad died when I was a kid you know I was 18 years old and I didn't know how to handle it and blah blah blah you know all on my own going to watch Larry Sanders are you yeah Larry Sanders yeah would have been that around that time right oh I love Larry Sanders yeah I watch saying that's what I'm saying um the regression that's a good that's if you're going to regress that's a good place to regress back to when it comes to watching oh yeah I don't need your help to regress my own self if I'm gonna regress I don't yeah I don't know I don't know that's going to take it that's its own Journey um without wanting to obviously leave anybody out is there anybody that you did want to shout out to anybody else that you wanted to shout out to uh oh God no because if I start I'll I'll have left everybody else out I mean when I say it's not I'm not it's thousands of people thousands thousands of people I mean I've got the messages to prove it in every possible meum you can imagine you know um and yeah all right all right I will I will for comedic purposes but also really sweetness purposes I will let you know that the person oh do I want to say this on your show the person who maybe seemed most broken up and most surprised and most most just I don't know what to say I don't know what to do can't believe I'm GNA tell you Jay Leno wow W yeah uh we got down from Breakfast Club that morning and I had 20 30 texts I don't know what it was the whole thing was nothing but red red dots and there were certain celebrity names that popped out at me from you know Nicole's old clients rain Wilson Chris Rock there were there were people that you know popped out Jay Leno was one of them but it was all so much and we had just gotten back and you know there's no reception up there and of course he knows that too but the parents were with us and we're unpacking and people were going to come over afterwards for you know whatever to pay their respects and blah blah blah so I just you know uh uh Jay's text was something so so sweet I can't believe it what you know we I am so sorry blah blah blah and blah blah blah what an [ __ ] I'm sorry I don't mean it that way and he sent a picture of him with his yellow car and his yellow watch on for Nicole because he was whatever he got really busted up about that and and the text sets us so so so I harded the text thank you you know that to me means like awesome and I went on to other things and seconds later my phone rangs and it's a private number and pick it up on speaker like I always do and of course the parents are like yeah Jay it's Jay Leno oh my God I'm so sorry you know just like I just started the thing and by the way the thing he sent it hours ago but I was up in the mountain and I just got back the signal so I you know saw all of them at once anyway he was watching for that yeah I guess mhm or or he clearly wanted to talk about it and he you know called and we talked briefly but it was it was neat cuz the parents were here and and it was neat for them to hear Jay Leno call uh and extend his condolences um no way you're a dad and you don't get a massive kick out of that thinking about your daughter no way you don't get a massive kick out of that that's that's that's beautiful yeah I hope so I mean um I hope so and I think are you kidding me if I'm if I'm sitting here and Lady Gaga sends a message to arara about Alara like I'm like no no no I get a kick out of that like like there's no question I know but you said Jay Leno no I I Jay Leno calling aara wouldn't have the impact to her that so you see my point now you're picking up my point I don't know if it does to them either oh Joe for 20 yeah absolutely absolutely I mean yeah that's really beautiful in fact it got so Point like they were then they were chiming in it was like he wanted to know real information and I I told him I couldn't really talk right then I'm going to actually go over there this uh this coming week it's right down the street I know you know it's literally a mile down the street absolutely yeah I'm sorry to talk about Jay Leno so much in a in a positive manner but I mean you know my wife died and Jay Leno did call me and and and and um you know give his condolences that's hard to um it's hard to think about Dave and Conan in that moment oh God are you kidding me any Show Business feelings I may have about it you know I believe everybody made out okay and all is right with the world now with that I think that uh um I don't know I I'm looking forward to uh having people that Nicole and I really really really wanted to have on but just circumstantially couldn't but now I can any name drops on that uh yeah like like Daniel Kellis like like Morty yes um I mean like Dave I mean that would be amazing uh I wish so badly that Dave could have that Nicole could have seen Dave come here um but I also you like universally I I I get why he didn't you know what I mean like karmically I definitely get why he didn't um but I have I don't know I'm I'm not I'm not chasing that [ __ ] anymore so I have a weird feeling it still may work out does that make sense oh 100% especially now that Nicole's like in The Ether working her magic having Barbara and and and um and Walter there though I mean she got to see that which is astounding right there have you ever that was my response back to worldwide pants headquarters it was you know I wish he could have seen obviously but the silver trophy was absolutely having you guys come here yep she all the time she had people on her shows Tonight Show Late Show uh I I in their thing I said all the time she was in the theater and had clients on that show the thing that meant most to her was that you guys came here to our little thing to see us really um I don't know if they'll believe that but it it I know it to be true yeah um she couldn't believe that that that that that happened because it's it shouldn't have I mean that's amazing worldwide pants comes to you come on I I didn't work there I'm not one of their you know um alumni get my stories from my time at pants yep so yeah I don't know I'm so grateful to all of that but I still I still hope that happens I that I still think that that would be great and yeah and and also when we go up to newcoms you know when this thing moves to newcomes uh oh oh by the way to just to finish yeah I can't finish anything but when this goes up to newams our first guest will be Amelia Hartford and Sun Kang which would be pretty cool really yeah yeah she's totally down uh they're excited to do it that's awesome can't get off up there um and obviously entertainment wise we'll have some pretty big names as well but U but that's pretty exciting so the plan would be to do that road trip and then come back with a clear head and a mission and an agenda and then hit the ground running hard with Nukem because as you know there were enough of their own delays with Nukem while we were trying to do all that at the same time as Nicole dying um so uh yeah whatever that's going to be one hell of a project but I'll be ready for it you know soon absolutely I'm not right now I am not right now people keep asking oh so when are you gonna open yesterday literally yesterday when are you going to open when are you going to open what are your plans I just said I you know I I'm really not sure it's not my priority right now oh they don't know what to make of it like I'm you don't want to say I'm mourning my wife you [ __ ] like you don't want to say that to somebody so so to go back to that okay how important is distraction not important at all to me okay I don't I do not is a nuisance is okay there we go y for me I don't know that everybody would be that way I feel like some people perhaps aren't as mindful as I am and I found distractions to have I mean like I think I was tolerating them pretty well in the beginning I feel like Nicole was sending me some super strength of like all right so you can get through this you know it's not your favorite thing but okay whatever at some point you just hit a wall and or you get exhausted or you I don't know whatever you finally start standing up for yourself like this is not what I need you're not helping me also I'm a very hard line of like deciding what's funny and what's not Nicole was my [ __ ] barometer so you're not going to be funny to me right now I guarantee it yeah uh I'm not talking about actual famous people who are genuinely professionally actually funny they have been awesome and and helping but they're my friends they're not people who don't know me who are just trying to tell a joke and be be nice um anyway like I said all that stuff is coming from a good place and I do know that so it's all appreciated um I was really kind of more back like when I'm exhausted when I'm so fatigued absolutely man which which is complaining a lot I wonder my wife just died is that 100% of the time like how are you sleeping are you sleeping at all uh three hours four hours some days yes some days no oh funny uh I've developed a lot of her symptoms from from achy body parts to sleep disorders I've I've I've adopted a lot of the things Nicole was going through and perhaps I always had them and just well haven't been able to look or feel myself uh personally I feel like I'm physically shedding a a a shell like it's not actually happening but I feel like there's some sort of uh you know our life was a certain way being modified every single day to be worse every single day for so long that I am nothing but a series of routines and machine like movements to be efficient and get certain things done in certain ways because we had to develop all of those mechanisms I don't need 90% of them anymore and sh that muscle memory and and routine is labber casting it is so much more difficult than first of all I never even thought about it so I didn't even pre-think like oh yeah I can handle that uh it's not something you really think about until you're in the thick of it but I didn't I didn't think about it and uh and I find it to be an exhausting process exhaust thing CU you're it's like I said before you know I'm going through physically bathrooms and get you know get taking whatever don't need this shampoo or this razor anymore things like that um but then you do it metaphorically with everything else too yeah and um and it's weird because you have to figure out who the [ __ ] you are and I don't know who I am I was living for someone else for for a very long time my my life's purpose what I believe my life's purpose to be was to take care of Nicole and make her laugh and make her not feel as sick as she really was right okay well that's gone I don't have to do that anymore so what the frig do I do now yeah and that's when I posted I'm lost yeah I don't know who I am I my reason for being is no longer here and that's kind of neat and fun when you think about it from an Outsiders perspective like oh okay you get to get selfish and do whatever you want to do and whatever like okay sure I mean you're probably right Bring It On in time I'll totally feel that way maybe even but like right now yeah that is not how I feel no absolutely and um is that a Sil distraction question I do not need distractions I I'm the type of person who knows how to process stuff right the truth is all you have to do is let yourself but nobody lets thems you know I mean your body processes stuff you can't stop yourself from processing stuff but most people lean into the distractions um and I guess maybe most people need them because they can't handle it all at once or something sure I'm the type of person who is like let's shut the shades and lose ourself in movies or Darkness or or record albums in the old days whatever uh and and process you have to sit and stew with this [ __ ] yeah and then you have to [ __ ] eat it all and it's not necessarily the most delicious stew you've ever made but you know what in the end you digest it and you process it somehow it made you healthier stronger there was spinach in that soup um I'm going to shout out a couple of people um I'm going to shout out Tom dreon who has asked me a few times about you making sure you're okay really yeah just came across a picture of him today yeah here obviously he uh beside himself even when I Would S I would submit when found out and yeah he very very very much um he's one of the good ones man one of the good ones uh Darren Cox man like he called me three or four times beside himself about how to wanting so badly as so many do it's a sentiment that is very common would just do anything to help you but helpless knowing that there's very little that we can do to help you but wishing that we could Darren Cox has many many many times messaged out so just so you know and then rert and then rert and Irene um their hearts are broken for you and um yeah they were two people who got how much I loved her yeah they really some people could see through and they saw through there wasn't a time how how much we loved each other I should say absolutely and there wasn't a time where I hung out with them where they didn't ask about you and and Nicole every single time one of the first as soon as hey hey hugs hugs hugs hugs hey how are Jay and Nicole doing and and and up to this point you know they're just absolutely heartbroken for you so um you and others others too but but those ones there I just felt it really necessary to kind of throw it there others have been have reached out too as well so Rob Kates has and um you know so so yeah um but I love you and I'm I'm I'm grateful that um I'm grateful that you did reach out and say hey I'm ready which well I'm not I mean you know that was that was the thing it was that I'm gonna you know I'm going to hit our air on Tuesday and I figured that uh I'm glad you told me with the camera I'm glad you told me with that if you were there that I uh you're welcome buddy yeah I feel like if you were there that um uh you know it might become this I didn't want it to be a whole hour of this like we'll do a little bit of it but you know what I mean I I I feel like I I knew you would have questions I knew you did have questions I knew you had reached out a whole bunch saying you were there when I was you know when I was could be there for you and um I don't know you know I like to do it on air for one and and I I am GNA go out there and do a few of these I think so um so I wanted you to be first that F just felt like a a loyalty thing or something yeah it means it means the world to me and and maybe you know going a little bit long form tonight and and pontificating a little bit tonight maybe that'll sharpen you up for Tuesday as to what you want to you know hone in on or not hone in on way to tell I guess they drifted nice I know no no not at all not at all but you said what that came from uh you said that you don't want your whole show on Tuesday night to be you know that like like and so it's going to be interesting to see what what I meant by that was I would I talking to you I didn't want the whole thing to be talking to you I would like for the audience to have an opportunity look I everyone sees me once a week so they have the opportunity to then come up to me and do all of this stuff I would like to have a forum where we can talk to people other people they can get their messages to us or whatever or ask questions or whatever tell their stories whatever and and and that's all I meant by it that's all I got you I got you I I don't I don't have an agenda for really anything in my life right now that plan of like going around the country that's the closest thing I can come to a plan there are no dates attached to that no other than the Cannonball Run reunion of course that's the one the one date you're right shout out to those guys though at Daran Cars and Coffee for doing this reunion thing it sounds very cool I'm I'm so excited so excited and I'm honored to be a part of it it's good to hear that you have something to look forward to that's that's I love hearing that isn't that neat yep yeah that helped me too and it's a weird thing too because it popped up out of nowhere I didn't know that I didn't know anything was coming or whatever it just sort of showed up in my feet and I'm like wait a second I'll be there around then and I was thinking to myself wouldn't it be nice last time we took it the tour in the middle of the hottest we broke heat waves uh excuse me broke heat records in every single state we drove through down south um and it would be nice uh I thought to drive during the foliage and then this thing popped up uh in mid December so it just it feels like fall will be a nice time to have yellow car on the East Coast yeah 100% what were you leading I feel like you were leaning into something before were you leading me down a path I didn't pick up on with people I'm supposed to visit well yeah did you mean pants no then I don't know who you mean he who you must be masked to go see still don't get it ah Dom Giller oh oh all right okay okay all right I get it I get I get everything now and I didn't get it a second ago that's cuz Nicole's not here you've proven that you you you've you've said why no I get it I get it uh does anybody even know what you're talking about how upset Don Gillard got that we didn't visit him last year when we did our road trip but I didn't know that we were supposed to until afterwards so I was just you know joking around with him but he wasn't joking back and I just didn't know that yeah so he got really I mean everything's fine now but he got really upset about it and I didn't know that and then he he got really upset about it and then he got really offensive about it so then I got upset about it I'm saying these pants these pants can be ironed out now that you're going out there I think we've ironed it out but what do we need to do what do you want to drinks or something are you coming if you come let's all go out sure who else who else lives in New York like who else uh that I would uh odonnell I thought he was here now is he in New York oh or is you know what I don't know if he's profing this semester he might be he might not be I thought he was going back to to do the comedy uh series at NYU regardless I'm happy to I'm happy to do whatever I don't feel like wearing a mask and going but I'm happy to do what I'd love to see rert there you go love to see rert and Irene if possible that' be amazing yeah well she they're they're going up and seeing each other or coming down and seeing each other all the time right now I assume the Autumn one place or the other I could see them right yeah yeah yeah well that's just it if they're in Florida you could see them there yes um I've actually got write that into the itinerary we don't have there we go there we go um and I'm sorry for not REM remembering that I'm supposed to visit Don Giller no I just not supposed to now I feel bad now I now I genuinely feel bad why I didn't get well because because I feel that can't help how you feel that's true that's true and I don't judge because I wasn't trying to uh you know and then it now it seems like I was you know setting him up to be a heel I wasn't you did actually it's your yeah it's your job you did it look ultimate respect to Don Giller the the comparison I don absolutely Don Gill youtube channel still my place for compilations 100% of of old Letterman material yeah okay so I gotta say though shout out also to Walter and the team and barber and everybody for the new letter I mean I I'm a little behind but the stuff on the new channel is is great as people pass away I like that they're picking up on that stuff that Don used to do it's really it's nice it is um and it's great to have it still be relevant someplace so that it's not gone for the rest of us who still love it so much absolutely absolutely um but what I was going to say and I mean this you know with pure love and joy saying this No Malice whatsoever Don Giller can make himself out to a heel on his own he doesn't need anybody's help to do that and I say that with love and respect what's that yep I'll be right sure oh that makes me laugh um I love you Jay thanks Mike I love you too yeah I do buddy I uh I appreciate you giving me space you're one of the people who you know sometimes can Kool-Aid man into a room and uh you uh have not shocking shocking on my friend you've been incred you've been incredibly uh respectful and I'm very as a friend I'm very appreciative um you you brought up Tom dreon before I have a recollection of him being on our show telling a story about how in the beginning thought Dave was a certain way not realizing it was another way and I feel like our relationship has been exactly the same oh yeah yeah so thank you for being respectful 100% no no no of course and again it's an honor um oh I just realized you put that picture up it's so funny I didn't notice before uh for this episode we got this we' got this we got this and we've got this you looked like you were it was so tight it looked like a period thing and then I saw the guy Dave holding the football and I thought oh that's all on Brandon all on theme but I uh yeah I forgot I forgot I should shout I should shout out then our friend James commissar because that was actually a gift from James commissar that that looks better in your studio yeah the Annie libowitz yeah yeah it's signed by Dave but it's an Andy Lio with's print yeah yeah it's absolutely I love it so much um but yeah I so and this isn't to get counseling it's just to share this I think you were in the restaurant and you came out of the restaurant to a conversation Nicole and I were having in May and it was I was asking her okay so if I'm a part of this potential documentary or whatever as a producer do I need to go a Corp and she was like well you could you could get a and she is going through reasons as to giving me again expert Excellence level advice yeah you probably want to LLC in that situation but yes you want to be able to cut bait once it's done it's 12 [ __ ] weeks ago man like I don't really really grateful to have had these moments with you oh that that it was not that long ago you mean was 12 weeks ago like it was like it was yesterday it was like it was just and when we did the the the the the episode recapping she was here four weeks ago buddy no I I I know I'm just thinking about the level of communication and the the thought behind it and the like congratulations and like almost like warning like K you want to like look at this look at this make sure you have this I remember she was telling you to protect yourself I remember protect myself yeah yeah yeah yeah she yeah and I just I'm really grateful that I have a memory that that's that's that fresh of you guys I that day when we sat in your house you and her up against the couch me up against the the thing and the pillows yeah more recollection of that day yeah yeah I I feel like yeah I feel like you took more in that day you were you were you had off-roaded your you taken your life in your own hands before the last conversation up on the mountain but you were a little more subdued when you came here well because I almost lost my life I I I know I know hilarious um I'm glad I have that memory I'm really glad I have that memory oh I am too yeah I'm grateful I'm grateful for you I'm grateful for Nicole um it's funny when you were here I thought that the playset wouldn't be here next time you came I thought I didn't think she'd be gone I thought you know y she didn't have a ton of time left but we were more concerned with having moved up to nukem's before you came back and the playset not being here yeah yeah see what I mean how it does not go to plan that's for damn sure man plans God laughs um did I answer all your questions I can't I don't know if I uh feel like I DOD absolutely no no no no no no I think you answered everything to the best of your ability and your integrity and your honesty I think that's that's that's what it feels like to me I guarantee everything was honest yeah see so there you go so there is no wrong answer then and I never even got I took the tissues out I cried a few times but I never got the tissues yeah I'm uh I'm really grateful you guys came into my life so thank you for sharing her thank you um for being a beacon of light for a lot of people with what Communications you guys would put out twice a week for all those years and um thank you for everything that you have done to give to us as the audience that loved both of you so thank you so so much for that and I wish you the best of luck in what the movie the the the new details as you forge ahead with her Spirit pushing you on I just uh I love you and I wish you nothing nothing but the best my friend thanks buddy um Rick you just mentioned something I should probably say it's not out yet um but you know we shot a bunch of I I felt Nicole was fading and she uh whether she acknowledged it or not uh and we we we we did a bunch of sort of like press stuff we did the closest thing to a press tour uh in fact maybe it was last time we did your podcast actually remember there was the Magnus video came out and uh on smoking tire and rodent track uh the cover rodent track there was like a whole bunch of stuff at the same time yeah and uh and ironically the first thing we did has not come out yet oh and it will come out um it couldn't possibly have worked out better how all the delays have worked to its Advantage um artistically artistically and creatively but the people that did it it's the Galpin uh uh media team from Galpin Autos Galpin Auto Sports Galpin Ford uh Porsche Santa Clarita you you know them they're very big in the auto Community they do the utopian as well um they're doing a new car show uh I don't want to say the name none of this is out yet but there's going to be a new car show uh I don't know where it will live I don't think it's just their YouTube channel I think it might be Netflix or Amazon or something like that Yep this is not to be confused with the car show that I am also still doing now time to get back to that that's another thing for another time but this was we had already shot an episode of this other show um and when Nicole was in her final few days they sent me a super rough cut of it just so that I could play it they you know they thought she could still see it and whatever so they wanted her to see it before she died um I've seen it I've watched it over and over and over again it's not even done um it is such a beautiful tribute to my wife and her meaningful lasting impact on this community um I cannot wait for it to be done and for everyone to see it because I I want to share it and her with you guys it's a beautiful tribute and test to Nicole um when I have more info I will come back and plug it or or at least tell you so you can tell people it's it's really really really nice and um and I'm grateful to the Galpin guys but it's awesome it's a tear trigger we will share it to all available channels uh happily I can't wait to see it can't wait to share it um we mentioned rert and Irene once before Let's uh finish off by talking about the one sponsor for the Letterman podcast is hellodd deli.com hey Rupert may not own the deli anymore but he does still have hello.com your only source for mugs and shirts and hats bearing the official Late Show with David Letterman logo on it go to Hello dil.com orders are packed by rert with love um thank you very very much he's still doing that I love love love love love that he's still doing that me too it makes me so happy me too like well tell tell it one of us will take it over when he's done doing it or whatever it it needs to never go away absolutely that is I could not agree more um I say to them he's he's he's doing the Lord's work he really is so too are you sir and it's going to be really good to see you on Tuesday again if people want to see you late night playset on the YouTube lat night plays.com I the name of that show will probably change at some point but yeah uh P Porsche life 111 is really where where we are most there's it's crazy there's like 21,000 followers on that already and um uh Good Vibes is over 12 now nukem's Ranch is over 15 the followers are going up which is pretty cool so um it's nice that's fantastic um we're on we're on the Porsche that's where I'm broadcasting most lately though from his Porsche life11 on Instagram on Instagram okay um I love you brother and I appreciate you for for for coming on here and sharing and I hope that it gets I hope it gets easier faster that's all I can say I I just I that just it's the real truth it's not I hope it gets easier faster and Buddy and more beautiful and even more and more and more beautiful and thank you for sharing that part that you're seeing so much of the old Nicole and the Beautiful and and and and and all that I I'm I'm I think you put a lot of people you got you put a lot of people's hearts that are thinking about you at ease by saying that statement that's a that's a beautiful one so she's with all of us I really firmly believe that if you ever knew loved or connected with her in any way she's with us and she can hear you just talk to her she'll I'm about to start asking as soon as we hit stop here I'm about to I'm about I love you buddy I love your family also thanks so much to your audience who's always been very very nice to me the comments are like at the last episode I remember I went into your YouTube comments everybody was so positive and so nice I just want to say thank you so much for being a safe space to share this stuff I appreciate you so much uh that's Jay Ryan this has been this has been another episode of the Letterman podcast with Mike Chisum coincidentally I am Mike Chisum thank you I don't get it okay thank you and good night